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SummerSauce's Featured Wrestler

By Dan "PVC Pipe" Coppeto

First I better apologize to all you fuckers out there for being so late in putting up my new picks of the week, I have unfortunately been all too busy fucking your moms to do this. Well, for all of those who saw the our second event know that it was called “Summer Sauce” and that it was, in fact, crotch-explodingly awesome. I for one did not see the show, I was unfortunately too busy fucking your moms. In any case not only did this showcase my wrestling debut (thus bringing a little heterosexuality to this homo-erotic ballet), but it also demonstrated once again how hard it is to defeat the Phoenix. The Phoenix aka Ryan Wood aka Morgan Freeman, has shown that he does not like giving up his title, even if it means coming back from the gay dead. Although he did still lose like a little bitch after an impressive 27min match, I felt it was time that our loyal viewers (i.e. Nobody) learned the shocking truth behind this underdeveloped character. As a matter of fact, this is well overdue considering that there was more character development for our typewriter (RIP! Our prayers our with you) than there ever was for the elusive Phoenix. Many questions remain unanswered: Where was he conceived? Why didn't his Dad just wear a rubber? Does he really gain extraordinary strength from the power of the Khadaryn Crystals at the UPS loading areas? Did he really pinch off a steaming hot loaf onto Conor's chest? After that did he really eat Conor's kidney in the hope of gaining supernatural vision? Hopefully I can shed some light on these mysteries.

Now a little history. What a lot of people don't realize is that Ryan (Morgan Freeman) took the name “Phoenix” because he is, in fact, a phoenix. That's right, The Phoenix is actually one of our dear avian friends, most closely related to Anthus rubescens better known as the American Pipit! Phoenix's father was the actual Phoenix of myth, while his mother was Alex Mack. The unusual mixture of mythical blood and GC161 was a divine concoction which in theory would have led to Ryan(Morgan Freeman)becoming a god with powers that could decide the fates of millions of his worshipers. However, only minutes after being born he was given a taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon which drained the god-child of its glorious destiny. And then as with any other defiled god, he was banished to an eternity in Mexico! It was here, growing up on the mean streets of Teotihuacan that he first learned his destiny lay in reclaiming his power by beating the shit out of anyone who opposes him. It was also here that he learned how to make delicious tacos out of zombies. Not content with beating the living hell out of the King's Royal Eunuch Brigades, Phoenix (Morgan Freeman) decided it was time to punch the toughest game of all... Jay Collette's nut-sack. Throughout all his years, Phoenix realized the only way to redeem himself would lay in his final defeat of Jay's scrotum. So Phoenix packed up his dildoes and headed north to freedom...and to his destiny...JAY'S TESTICLES.

Some of you may wonder how Phoenix manages to stay in such fighting shape. Well, he doesn't really but he certainly makes it look that way. For breakfast Phoenix will eat nothing less than stained glass, preferably from a northern European Catholic Church. He will usually sprinkle a little gunpowder/excrement on this to add flavor/disease. For lunch he decides to let go a little bit and allows himself the pleasure of 13 triple bacon cheeseburgers and washes this down with a tall cool glass of burning hot animal fat, which itself has been deep-fried, then liquefied, and then has pure cholesterol added to it. At night he dines on fresh boxes of Gumdrops which are specially dipped in the blood of the innocents. He always has flagon full o' dish-washing detergent for those relaxing times. And for dessert he has vanilla ice cream from the Carvel... in HELL. FUCK YEAH.