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MALARKEY REIGNS: KC DEFENDS, APPRENTICE SURPRISES, AND BLAZER DEALS PASTOR PAIN TONS OF PAIN

01\01\2007

Guest Columnist Your Mom Jr.

Hey, Jimmy, how you holding up sport? Jimmy? It's us. It's your dad and me. How you doing, Tiger? Is the hospital treating you good? That's good, Champ. Well, Jimmy, its good you're lying down, because…look, Jimmy, your dad and I, we're…we're real sorry. We…we don't quite know how to break this news to you. It's just…we don't know what to say. Jimmy…its about EBW's New Year's Malarkey 2007. It…it rocked so hard, and jawjacked so much…your mother is dead, Jimmy. She couldn't handle it. The jawjacking. It was too much for her vagina. It exploded into tiny, pink, juicy bits. She died shortly after. We're sorry.

The card, as it seems has a habit of doing, didn't disappoint. First, PVC Pipe Coppeto was treated to an unexpected surprise when the world of technology answered his open challenge in the form of 2 Beta Max tape players and a phone! Coppeto, unwilling to deal with their unwillingness to adapt to modern DVD capabilities took the fight outside to the backyard, where things got extreme quickly. The match featured the usual technological warfare from Coppeto; belly to back suplexes, sledgehammer abuse, the works. Coppeto worked first on Beta Max 2, since Beta Max 1 was gray. Coppeto took the fight to Beta Max 2's underside and quickly exposed its circuitry as weak and feminine, employing Coppeto Leg Drops and sledgehammer shots to take out the weak appliance. After vaulting it over Phoenix's pool with a rag doll toss, Coppeto took the fight to Beta Max 1's ejection deck with a series of hammer and baseball bat strikes. However, defeating Beta Max 1 proved to be no easy feat, as Beta Max 1 apparently was built to last, a la Duralast. After finally getting some outer damage to Beta Max 1, Coppeto was ambushed by the telephone, pinned from exhaustion and surprise by the cameraman. Coppeto would leave humiliated by technology yet again, no doubt eliciting a cheer from the computer that beat the chess guy, and that car that the computers bow to in that commercial. You know the one.

However, PVC Pipe would regroup quickly when he was given the chance to compete in the Experience Might Mean Shit Battle Royale. He was teamed with the Apprentice of Mattitude and Nick “The Blazer” Cipriano, who had just been released by The Phoenix and Paul Mercedes. “Blazer” was fresh from the torture and capturing he endured from Phoenix and Mercedes, who forced their small hairy wills on “Blazer” just like they always have wanted to so as to toughen him up to take out Pastor Pain later in the pay-per-view. Pastor wasted little time in the beginning of the Battle Royale to soften up “Blazer,” who wasted very little time attempting to make Phoenix and Mercedes pay for what they did to him. The match was insane and from the get go was difficult to follow, so this writer took notes. Here what I took down:

Blazer suplexes Phoenix, then hit by Mercedes.

Apprentice running around like he's lost.

“Blazer” hits enzuguiri on Mercedes. Very cool.

PVC Pipe still not out yet?

Apprentice and Phoenix off to the side, kind of gay.

Mercedes side slam on “Blazer” looked great, couldn't put him away though.

And finally a pin fall! In typical “Blazer” fashion, Nick “The Blazer” Cipriano was counted out first after a double team attack from Paul Mercedes and Pastor Pain. Pain was eliminated next, followed by the Apprentice of Mattitude, leaving only the Impact Flavors and PVC Pipe (!) left in the Battle Royale. However, PVC surprisingly pulled a pin on Mercedes, and using a Mercedes disguise, pinned Phoenix after a surprise attack on Phoenix's midsection. Your winner, and new number one contender…PVC Pipe Coppeto!?!? Goodness knows what current Mr. Money-In-The-Sack Apprentice of Mattitude will say about that!

After all that Malarkey, who could possibly stand more? Well, you're getting more, you pieces of crap! Next up: the Paul Mercedes and Phoenix Invitational II, this time starring the Apprentice of Mattitude. Apprentice didn't disappoint, much like the card didn't, when he was able to nail insane risk after insane risk. We saw champagne glasses broken. We saw frying pans broken. We saw souls broken. We saw children broken. We saw Phoenix ride over the Apprentice of V1 with a child's bicycle. We saw Apprentice hit a bulldog off of a Phoenix Boston Crab on Paul Mercedes. We saw Phoenix miss a moonsault so badly it looked more like an elbow drop gone wrong. And then, we saw the V1-Wannabe do the unthinkable when he pinned Phoenix after a Twist of Fate following Phoenix's “moonsault,” then bulldog Mercedes onto a plate of push-pins, which was enough to record the final 3 seconds of time Apprentice needed for the win. Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Money-In-The-Sack is not only safe, but also flying high after Peril-Palooza.

The next match, however, stole the show and left entire countries begging for their lives…not the people, the actually land masses begging for their LIVES! In order to win the Last Rights match, either Pastor Pain or Nick “The Blazer” Cipriano had to pin their opponent, make them submit, and knock them down for a ten count, in that order. The match started with “Blazer” cheating to get the upper hand, followed by some wrestling by the pool, EBW style. Nick “The Blazer” attempted and nailed his Swizzaltitude Elbow Drop off of a picnic table, but to his shock and awe, Pastor Pain kicked out at two! Pastor Pain attempted his Trinitarian Leg Drops, but then Nick “The Blazer” kicked out at two. Then, when Pastor Pain set up for his Corpus Christi Kick, Cipriano did the unthinkable and ducked, rolling up the Pastor cheaply and quickly while Pastor's pain-filled foot flailed in the air. 1-0 Blazer. Pastor Pain recovered quickly and made “Blazer” tap out to his Final Judgment, only to have the decision overruled. He hadn't pinned “Blazer” yet, so therefore the submission was illegal. However, when “Blazer” recovered, Pastor Pain hip-tossed him into a pile of kindling inferno-ready lumber! After a Triple H Pedigree, it was pin time, and 1-1, tie ballgame (wrestling match). “Blazer” attempted to make Pastor Pain tap out to a variety of headlocks, arm drags, and choking maneuvers, but they all lacked the finality of a finishing submission move, so none of them worked. When Pastor Pain attempted and locked on his Final Judgment, it appeared lights out for Nick “The Blazer,” but some quick thinking led to “Blazer” reversing the hold technically and putting the pressure on Pastor Pain, who tapped out to his own finishing submission move! 2-1, “Blazer.”

However, “Blazer” would find the ten count the most difficult to obtain when it appeared that KC Insane wouldn't referee the match in his favor. Jawjacking ensued and Pastor Pain launched the child's bicycle at “Blazer's” face! After a Boston Crab made “Blazer” tap out, the fight took the pool deck, tied at 2, with only the ten counts remaining. A series of unbelievable spots left the crowd gasping in awe. “Blazer” attempted 10 punches, only to get greedy, attempt twelve, and be tossed down the stairs! The two exchanged unbelievable punches, and Pastor got the challenger down for the count, but only for 6 counts. “Blazer” hit his Swizzaltitude, but Pastor's fall lasted only 7 seconds. Then Pastor Pain leapt off the picnic table and dove right onto “Blazer,” only to watch as “Blazer” took to his feet at 8. After the momentum shifted, Pastor Pain hit a Double Axe-Handle off of “Blazer's” car and Corpus Christi Kicked him into the window, but “Blazer” got up at 9 56/57! The match was still on! After slamming a champagne glass on Pastor's head, “Blazer” blocked an attempt by Pastor Pain to knock his head on a basketball hoop post suspended on the ground. “Blazer” thought quick, DDT's Pastor Pain, and put the water and sand filled basketball hoop support on top of Pastor Pain! KC Insane had no choice to count the 10 on the grounded Pastor Pain, and award the win in the most brutal match ever in EBW history to Nick “The Blazer” Cipriano!

But wait, there's still friggin more! KC Insane defeated Paul Mercedes' handpicked title contender, Criminal Sanchez, who looked an awful lot like Paul Mercedes in a mask, but no one's asking unnecessary questions around here. After a failed spear into a table, a clearly inebriated Sanchez took the 3 count from KC Insane without any fight being left in him, and KC Insane defended his EBW Title.