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SUMMERSAUCE SURPRISES: PHOENIX RISEN, BUT KC INSANE (STILL) NEW CHAMPION

08/04/06

By Chili ConQueso

There are moments in time and history that make you stop and appreciate what you have in this life. Moments so brutally carnal that they make you reexamine your fears, your hopes, your dreams, and your philosophies, only to make you glad you have the capacity to do so, reminding you that you're not insane, but still dignifiedly human. Rome burning, Hiroshima, the sacking of the temple, and now, SummerSauce.

That, ladies and gentleman, was how unbelievably violent and barbaric SummerSauce was. The lies, the backstabbing, the cheating, the tomfoolery, the boondoggling, and the surprises seemingly knew no end. When the dust cleared, however, the millions watching worldwide were stunned, and their stuns were stunned, leaving them all stunned to the extreme.

First, news that Doctor Jerkenstein couldn't compete, due to food poisoning from the fixings he ate last event. Then, Paul Mercedes nearly incapacitating Pastor Pain and swearing that he would cause the death of EBW and, when he wins the Heavyweight title, prove that God doesn't exist. Nick "The Blazer" heatedly confronting Mercedes, only to realize he would have to attack the Battle Royal sans-Blazer, just as Nick Cipriano. And, finally, a surprise entrant shocking the world of backyard wrestling forever.

The card set up by Pastor Pain didn't disappoint from the get go. In the wake of Phoenix's death, Pastor Pain called for a Battle Royal to nominate a new winner. The winner of the Apprentice of Mattitude-PVC Pipe match would fill the final slot of the Battle Royal, pitting our play-by-play man in his first ever combat. However, with Paul Mercedes calling the color commentary, betrayal was on the horizon. Paul screwed Apprentice out of the match, pitting PVC Pipe in the Battle Royal as fourth entry, and thereby making Apprentice the referee of the match.

The Battle Royal was intense from the start, as Cipriano and KC Insane exchanged hardcore blows and chair shots with each other. When the siren for the third entry sounded off, the backyard world was shaken at its core as DJ Lube, a legend of the backyard wrestling scene and former partner of KC Insane entered, and immediately began helping KC Insane take out Nick Cipriano. A double clothesline and a double Lube Job elbow drop later, Cipriano was down with his back on the ground, but not out of the Battle Royal yet.

The fourth entrant was PVC Pipe who immediately cleaned house with a barrage of hardcore hits and tackles. He also recorded the first pinfall, eliminating DJ Lube from the Battle Royal.

As Coppeto focused most of his attack on KC and Lube, Nick Cipriano was able to recover quickly and nail Coppeto just as Pastor Pain attempted to enter the Battle Royal and break up the disorder in his wrestling product. Cipriano pinned Coppeto for the second pinfall of the match, but Pastor Pain took advantaged of Cipriano's winded, damaged state and immediately went to work with a series of kicks to Nick's body, and then an Irish Whip into the fence, leading to a Corpus Christi kick, and the third pinfall elimination, bringing an end to Nick Cipriano's run at the title after being the number one entrant. Pastor Pain then tried to eliminate KC Insane with his submission finisher, the Final Judgment.

However, as Paul Mercedes made his way to the ring as last entry, Pastor Pain found himself on the receiving end of a vicious Divine Plan two-on-one. However, once Pastor Pain was eliminated by Mercedes, Mercedes was betrayed by his former stablemate, who took out Mercedes with awesome technical wrestling and extreme weapon spots. But Mercedes recovered, and seemed close to winning the title and walking away with living proof that God doesn't exist. He attempted to drop KC Insane off a ladder and into a pile of hardcore boxes, when the Apprentice of Mattitude gave Mercedes a taste of his own medicine and used a Kendo stick on Mercedes's legs, ending his run at the championship. KC Insane hit with a few weapons, and it was over. KC Insane was the new champion of EBW.

However, the celebration was short lived, as during his coronation ceremony, the thought to be dead Phoenix returned and began to make his claim known on the championship that has been his for his entire life. An impromptu championship match was waged, and Phoenix, the man with the unblemished record in all of his years in backyard wrestling lost to KC Insane, who defended his belt.